I don’t know if years down the road I will remember that it was my great friend, Jon Burks (@jonburks) that introduced me to the song “Hold Me Now” by Citipointe Live. I don’t know if I’ll remember that I listened to that song, non-stop on repeat, during a season where I was trying to hear from God on a big decision I had to make. However, I do know that, in the moment, it was worth more than all the money in the world (actually, I’ve never had all the money in the world so I don’t have something compare it to). Jon's casual recommendation became an impacting impartation that would allow me to find strength to stand amidst a great deal of pressure. You need some back-story. You need some context. I don’t think I can give you all of it without dishonoring people. I don’t know the line between dishonor and giving my side of the story. I wish I knew. I wonder if King David knew. If you haven’t read “A Tale of Three Kings” by Gene Edwards, you’re not only being silly but you’re also just plain ignorant. Ignorant of a wonderful question that only those who have read the book have been exposed to. “Are you a king of the order of Saul, David, or Absalom?” That question has the power and ferocity of the Biblical equivalent of saying Mufasa to a pack of hyenas.
I can tell you this. In the past ten months I have experienced some of the most painful moments of my life. Moments that simply did not make sense. During many of these moments I have responded poorly. I’ve lashed out. I’ve spoken too much and broken sacred confidences. I’ve hid. Like an abused dog, I’ve run and hid, tail between legs and heart shattered. I have been miserable. I have allowed my circumstances to determine my feelings, my feelings to determine my attitude, and my attitude has in turn, determined my responses. Simply put, I have failed over and over again.
My temptation right now is to justify everything! To talk about what other people have done and said! To tell you of how I was backed into a corner and that’s why responded the way I did. Most of all, I want to blame my hurt heart! That because I was hurting from much deep pain, I was allowed to say what I’ve said and do what I’ve done! Oh and even worse: the thoughts that I have had! Oh the God-forsaken thoughts that if you only knew the depravity of, would illuminate the depths of my broken and weak mind!
I won’t do it though. I won’t give in. Regardless of my circumstances, the thing that mattered, the thing most precious to me, the thing I have to stare into the face of every night I failed was being developed. What is this thing, you ask? It is my character.
When “Don Jon de Marco”(if you're in my life for even a little bit, there's a good chance you're going to get a ridiculous nickname) recommended that song, he had no idea that he was recommending to me an opportunity for my broken and beaten character to come face to face with an unyielding and perfect truth. The truth was found in the lyrics that I grabbed hold of and began to declare over my life, my destiny, my heart, my mind, and my character!
"You hold me in Your arms forevermore!
You hold me with the hands that formed my world!
You hold me in Your arms forevermore!
I am Yours!"
All of the lyrics rooted deep in scripture, God-breathed words of truth that in my spirit, I shouted over and over to my past, my present, and my future. In my heart, I signed my personal Declaration of Independence in the blood of Christ. It freed me from the tyrannical monster of failure that had tried to hold my head under the water in these dark days.
Jon mentioned to me this song not knowing that it would become my battle hymn. It would be the key to unlocking my receiving the comfort of the Holy Spirit, who would see me through the days ahead. I speak hopefully of what will come. I’m not out of the woods, although, I do see the pathway. The pathway God has made for me to come home. The river in the desert of my heart, it is now there.
I hope the same for you. Whatever it is you grab on to that will see you through crossing the river, I pray it is truth & life to your dying soul.
What would your Battle Song be? What is it you held on to during your tough season? Comment below and let me know. I’d love to hear it.