My screen lights up as I’m reading my book. I’m all cozy and snuggled up into my bed, ready to fall into a peaceful slumber. I look down at it, expecting it to be one of my bros asking about our weekend plans. It is not one of my bros. It is a girl. A real girl. With girl parts and girl likes and girl emotions. My immediate thought, “Why is she texting me at 1:15 in the morning? Doesn’t she know I need my beauty sleep (she probably knows that I’m a night owl but for the sake of this story, I NEED MY BEAUTY SLEEP!)? “Hey. You up?”
Yeah I’m up dagnabbit but I can't respond to you. The person that is sending me this is sending me this out of one single reason. She’s all cozy and snuggled in her bed, ready to fall into a peaceful slumber, but she doesn’t have a good book to read, like I do (For Narnia and For Aslan).
I make sure I keep a good book around. I have to. I do love to read but it’s also because it distracts me. Watching TV doesn’t do it. Playing video games doesn’t cut it. Only a nighttime book does the trick. The alternative to reading before I go to sleep is that I would be the one sending a text at 1am that says “Hey. You up?”
Being single isn’t easy. Neither is the thug life. I am a 24-year-old virgin that waits for the day when he will fall in love and marry the girl of his dreams. I’m not sure where the line is for single people. I know I have Jesus with me and He’s the most precious person in my life. But sometimes, Jesus just doesn’t fit the same mold as what my heart is looking for.
The fact that Jesus never took a wife doesn’t surprise me. I know His bride is the church and all but I couldn’t imagine him being married. I also couldn’t imagine Him being a girl. Would’ve just been weird (I won’t go into all of the ridiculous notions in my head right now). It’s cool to think of Jesus as a friend. It’s hard to think of Jesus as a lover. That’s why the Bible says He’s not our lover, but He is the Lover of Our Soul! Actually check that. The Bible doesn’t say that, an old hymn does. The Bible does say He loves us but in a totally different way than we see it.
We all have different ways of expressing love (or at least I do). When I say someone is “in love” with someone else, I immediately think of the romantic kind of love (Adam & Eve not Adam & Steve). When I say “Love ya” it means I love you but not with all the romantic stuff. And then when I tell God I love Him, it’s something different altogether. It’s deeper and stronger and it means more.
In the Bible, they had these three loves. Eros-the romantic stuff. Phileo-the brotherly/sisterly we’re in this together stuff, and then Agape-the love that only Jesus can show us. I always thought I was supposed to love Jesus with Eros love. But that’s not the case (actually, I think it’s gross). We aren’t supposed to date Jesus. We aren’t “in love” with Him. What Jesus shares with us is greater than that.
We were made with a desire to be “in love” with someone. The only thing that can hold that love off is the kind of love shared between the Holy Spirit and a heart devoted to Him. For the longest time, I struggled against loneliness because I thought I wasn’t supposed to want the love of a woman if I had the love of the Father. But I realized as a son can marry a woman and still love his dad because they are different loves.
I understand the lonely texts. I read a book at night because I don’t want to send them out. A friend once told me, “Andy, when you get married, it’s going to change so much about you. You’re not going to get the texts anymore; you’re not going to want to send those texts either, because then you’ll have someone to channel them towards. As God intended it, between you and your wife.”
I’m not the Apostle Paul. I want to love and be loved by a woman. I’m sure other people feel the same way (but if you’re a woman, you want to be loved by a man). When the time comes for me to fall in love and get married, it will be legen-wait for it-dary. Until then, I shall read my books and not apologize for wanting to be in love.
Do you struggle with wanting to be “in love”? If you’re already “in love” what was it like before you met that special person?